We all want approval! It starts from the moment we’re born and continues until the day we die. When we’re children, we constantly try to get approval from our parents. Unfortunately, those who grew up not getting it can turn into approval junkies.
The worst thing for most people is rejection. If we grew up in a nurturing home where we were taught that it is OK to be who you are, even though this is less than perfect, we usually learn how to deal with rejection. Those who were constantly criticized, ignored or abused usually end up craving approval almost like a drug. Just like most “imbalances,” this one shows itself in many different ways. Here are some of the behavioral patterns that show up for approval junkies, i.e. highly insecure people:
1. No backbone/wishy washy. Since rejection and lack of approval feels almost like dying, it is necessary to not really firmly defend one side or another. To disagree or stand up for someone or something you believe in might result in rejection, which has to be avoided at all cost. Hence, when someone attacks them, their opinion, or a person they care about, they will usually shrink away and not say a word, which makes it impossible to figure out who they really are.
2. Disloyal. Insecure, approval-seeking people are not necessarily disloyal by heart, but they are so by necessity. Because they fear rejection so much, they have to be people pleasers, even if it’s at the cost of losing some of them. As long as the majority seems to do or say one thing, it’s still safer to follow the herd, because it will result in the least amount of loss.
3. Shallow relationships. The key word here is not quality, but quantity. The more people seem to “like” me, the less I will feel alone, rejected or sad. Also, deep relationships cannot be formed when one has no ability to hear any form of criticism, is wishy washy or flaky, and hence unreliable.
4. Sometimes moderately, but usually never highly successful. In order to “climb the ladder,” one has to be able to take losses, disappointments and detours. Sometimes, doing the right thing may not necessarily be the most popular thing. Being attacked or rejected for decisions that you may have to make on the path of “making your mark” can be taxing, and requires the ability to quickly recover and, at times, take it to the chin. It is virtually impossible to always be liked in business, which is not an issue for most of us, as long as we are respected; a path like this usually quickly sorts out those who cannot deal with rejection or disapproval.
5. Depression. Living under the pressure of trying to be perfect, trying to say what others want to hear and walking the path of least resistance will usually create friction sooner or later. And even if a person manages to stay under the radar without friction, they will generally feel exhausted and drained all the time, which will eventually lead to depression. They tend to feel very lonely, because it’s difficult for them to form meaningful relationships. A person who constantly operates on “lukewarm” is hardly alluring enough to draw attention, let alone keep it.
We can argue how it isn’t fair that the majority of the population is drawn to strong, assertive and self-expressed individuals. It won’t change a thing, and it sure as hell won’t make it better for those who cannot overcome their need to please and to constantly seek approval. We live in a society that allows us to “fix” pretty much anything that may hold us back or work against us. It’s up to us, though, to make the decision to break the ties that bind us. It may appear as if people will like us a lot more if we agree with them, but the reality is that we just end up losing respect for someone who has no opinion and therefore can’t/won’t do the “right” thing for themselves or others.
I am somewhat at odds with the opening line, ‘We all want approval!’ in my considered opinion it does somewhat depend on what is being “Approved?” The author mentions how children try to get approval from their parents but fails to enter into any detail about what kind of approval, does she mean a “That’s really good Johnny” or a simple pat on the back or does she mean that the parent goes into raptures about the situation and maybe extends to a treat. As for myself and my experiences I was more concerned with staying out of trouble than seeking approval, and I do believe I may be in the majority there.
Item 1 relates to having no backbone or being wishy washy. I did cringe when I read this ‘and lack of approval feels almost like dying’. Why does it feel like dying? How can you possibly even comprehend how dying feels, is it a painful death or a slow death or a sudden death. Having never died I cannot possibly say how this feels, I wont get the chance to ever let anybody know what it feels like so its left to a vivid imagination.
The author also states that to ‘disagree or stand up for someone or something you believe in might result in rejection’ This is possibly the most absurd part of the passage. I really have to say “so what” if somebody disagrees with me or doesn’t accept that I have beliefs and if the reject me because of it then personally I don’t think it fruitful to be around such shallow minded people. The only exception to this is possibly a belief in such things as the “flat earth society” whereby its maybe embarrassment more than anything else. To not be able to say or stand up what you believe in, is violation of your “Inner Karma” not to mention civil rights that were fought hard for.
The second paragraph talks of Disloyalty and uses the phrase people pleasers. Again as the well known saying goes, “you can please some of the people some of the time but you cant please all of the people all of the time”. This does really go without saying and as we all have opinions on issues it would be impossible to agree with everybody and not be two faced or maybe 27th faced. If you have a considered opinion then so long as it is thought out and eloquently put, stay with it, its your belief and a very dangerous road to go down if you are prepared to be badgered into believing something else, simply for the fear of rejection.
When it comes to relationships it’s an entirely different matter. I would rather have one decent friendship than a dozen acquaintances and yes quality counts. Whether it be a plutonic or romantic relationship you must be prepared to be yourself as happiness will never come of being fake just to be liked. I don’t confess to be a expert on relationships however I do know how to act in one and remain a decent but honest person, and still have my opinions and the trick being, agree to differ where necessary.
Section four I can mainly agree with and especially the part of being liked in business. Having worked in that sector for most of my life, its simply a role that you have to play, call it an act if you like.
Depression is a difficult area to judge when it comes to approval. There are many types of depression and generally can be treated to some extent with varying drugs. Treated this was because it is a illness that is treatable and is more widespread than you would first imagine. Its not my place to comment on whatever type of depression a person is in, I would always treat anybody like that with compassion and understanding as I would hope most would.
To summarise I would always say it is healthy to have opinions of your own and be able to stand by them, after all its those very opinions that make you what you are today, and who is anybody who tries to change that or interfere. The most important state in anybodies psyche should be their inner happiness or Karma as I like to use. Be yourself, be proud and above all be happy with yourself, because if you don’t like or love yourself then how can you expect anybody else to do that?
